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Quotes
The Patriots are notorious for being about as closemouthed as any team in the league as far as injuries are concerned... In fact, if you die, they list you as 'questionable'.
Dave Barry
As a consumer, I do not wish to come in contact with those gross organs, necks, glands, etc, that come packed inside turkeys. There are few scarier experiences in life than having to put your unarmed hand inside the cold, clammy recesses of a darkened turkey and pull those things out, never knowing when one of them will suddenly come to life like the creature in the movie Alien, leap off your kitchen counter, and skitter around snacking on household residents.
(anonymous)
Recent scientific study found that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. And if she is menstruating, she is likely to prefer a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors shoved deep into his temple and a cricket stump jammed up his arse.
Dave Barry
Oh, sure, we still teach our children some Halloween traditions. We teach them that this is a time when we buy pumpkins and carve faces into them. But we don't teach them the underlying spiritual reason WHY we do this, which is that each fall, the average American pumpkin farmer produces seventeen trillion of these things, and if he doesn't get rid of them, they will rot, and everything the farmer owns, including his smaller children, will disappear under a gigantic cloud of flies. THAT is why we buy pumpkins and carve faces into them.
US TV Commentator
One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them - Oh my God, what have I just said?
Dave Barry
If you get lost in the woods while camping, the first thing you must do it get your bearings. If you don't have a compass, stand very still, and listen carefully, until you hear this sound: "eh-eh-eh." That is Canada. Whatever you do, don't go that way.
Trina Paulus
"How does one become a butterfly?" she asked pensively.
"You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar."
Dave Barry
There were killer ducks at my golf tournament. The Doral Park course, where it was held, has a large colony of ducks that, after years of eating food dropped by golfers, have become large and agressive. If you stop your golf cart, they surround you, dozens of them, pretty much demanding that you give them something to eat. "We can peck you to death," is their unmistakable message, "and the authorities will do nothing to us, because we're ducks." More than once I found myself stomping on the accelerator and rocketing away at top golf-cart speed ("mosey"), with a herd of irate ducks waddling after me, like a terrifying scene from a Stephen Spielberg movie called Jurrasic Duck.
Conan O'Brien
Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart showed up at a charity event to raise money for hungry people. Calista went home with $1.5 million.
Craig Kilborn
The name of Madonna's new album is Buy This CD or I'll Make Another Movie.
David Letterman
The nice thing about the Super Bowl, a lot of stars will be at the game out there in San Diego. For example, Michael Jackson will be there, dangling his kid from the sky box.
BBC News
With American football and baseball, the US has games at which it can be a world beater, largely because the rest of the world can't fathom the rules or be bothered to spend a whole day playing by them.
Lynda Montgomery
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, "Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner."
Dave Barry
Good is of course represented by Luke Skywalker, who has the Force, a mystical, universal power that causes him to be attracted to his sister. Fortunately, Luke gets over that and meets a wise Jedi master named Yoda who trains Luke to harness the awesome power of the Force so that he can speak lines of really bad dialogue without laughing.