Heading outside to do some majorly needed yardwork for a couple hours. Afterwards, I have to get my sorry self back inside and do some majorly needed client website work followed by some majorly needed sewing work. Then I think I'll take a majorly needed nap.

When we went to bed last night, Josie was asleep in her cat bed here in the office. We left the bedroom door cracked open and the cat-hair-catcher blanket on top of the bed for when Josie finally realized we weren't in here anymore and decided to join us. Given how clingy she's been since we got home from our trip, we figured it wouldn't be too long. Amazingly, she never showed up! As a matter of fact, the fact that she wasn't there when I woke up this morning freaked me out so bad I thought something horrible had happened to her and I rushed in here to check on her. She's perfectly fine. Just didn't feel like sleeping with us, apparently. Mr Moo said she did come in for a little while very early this morning, but changed her mind and went back to the cat bed. Does this mean the loneliness-omg-mommma-don't-leave-me-again phase is finally over and I am forgiven? Let's hope so.

Since we arrived at the airport hours early for our flight home on Sunday, I bought a book to pass the time.

Somehow, I managed to not read a single page of it. Guess I'll add it to the pile.

I collected pins for my backpack again while we were in Utah.

Top row (L-R): Arches National Park, Balanced Rock (Arches National Park), Goblin Valley State Park, Bryce Canyon National Park
Bottom row (L-R): Capital Reef National Park, Gifford Homestead (Capital Reef National Park), Zion National Park x2

Ahhh. Last night was much better. Aside from when I took a shower, I spent just about every waking second with Josie yesterday. We even took her with us when we ran errands and went to my in-laws' for dinner. When it was finally time for bed last night, I think she was content with the amount of attention I had given her and confident that we weren't going to leave her again. She cried just a tiny bit, but settled right away and slept quietly for the rest of the night. Well, at least I think she did. I was so tired, I probably wouldn't have heard her even if she had cried. I slept a solid nine, which is something I haven't done in a long while. 'Twas awesome.

We attempted to go to sleep after I posted last night. Josie had other ideas about us sleeping, however. She cried and cried and cried for hours even though she was right there in the bed with us. I think she wanted us to stay up and pay attention to her all night. She finally settled down and we got a few hours of rest eventually. I can only imagine how much she wandered around crying while we were gone, especially since Zoe wasn't here to keep her company either. Poor thing. Hopefully, she'll realize that we're home to stay for a while now and she'll quit with the constant wailing soon.

Overall, we had a very nice time in Utah. Unfortunately, we learned in the middle of last week that Mr Moo's aunt had passed away. Between that and thinking about Zoe's passing, I got quite melancholy towards the end of our trip. Needless to say, my zeal for hiking and climbing waned considerably. We talked to Mr Moo's mom and discussed heading to California for the weekend, but she said it wasn't necessary. We sent flowers and stayed on in Utah. We did our best to enjoy the remainder of our trip, but it was hard. I cried a lot and, while we did have a good time, I think we're both extremely glad to be home again.

I've got unbelievable amounts of stuff to do today. Of course, there's unpacking and laundry. I also have a bunch of work from before our trip to finish up. And don't even get me going about sorting through our photos. Mr Moo bought a small digital camera right before we left, so we both were taking photos on this trip. Between the two of us, we have just over 3000 photos. Yikes! Better get to it all. Later, fishies.

EDIT: Want to know how to guarantee your checked bag will opened and inspected by the TSA? Pack a can opener.

Home. Pooped. Going to bed.

Just wrapping up a few small things, getting the bags in the car then we'll be off.

Poor Josie has been trying to sleep all morning and I keep waking her up to spend time with her. She's loving the attention, but I can tell she's very tired. She can sleep all she wants when we're gone.

Not sure if or when we'll have internet access or mobile service, so it's unlikely I'll be posting while we're gone. Hope everyone has a good couple of weeks and I'll see you when we get back on the 25th. Later, fishies.

EDIT: Here's our itinerary one more time, if anyone is interested.

May 14 - Fly from Portland to Las Vegas. Drive to Moab.
May 15 - Arches National Park.
May 16 - Arches National Park.
May 17 - Arches National Park.
May 18 - Drive from Moab to Torrey early. Capitol Reef National Park.
May 19 - Capitol Reef National Park.
May 20 - Drive from Torrey to Bryce early. Bryce Canyon National Park.
May 21 - Bryce Canyon National Park.
May 22 - Bryce Canyon National Park. Drive from Bryce to Springdale late.
May 23 - Zion National Park.
May 24 - Zion National Park.
May 25 - Zion National Park. Drive from Springdale to Las Vegas. Late flight home.

It's 0700 and I've been up for half an hour. Call the press! :-) Seriously, four hours of sleep was not nearly enough and I am shattered. Fortunately, all we have to do today is fly to Las Vegas and drive ourselves to Moab, which Mr Moo will do. I will have plenty of opportunities to nap. Right now, however, I need to finish cleaning up the house, take a shower and spend as much time with Josie as I can before we go.

Amazingly, we're pretty much all packed and ready to go on our trip. We both still have a load of work to finish up, but at least all our stuff and the suitcases are ready to go. I think we're both going to lie down for a bit, get up early and finish up what we can. We have to be walking out the door no later than 1100.

I've gained about 10 pounds since our last hiking trip, which was to South Dakota last September. Normally, I wouldn't care a whole lot about it except none of my hiking pants fit now. I can get them on, but they are much too tight. Looks like I'm going to have to do some shopping tonight. As if I didn't already have enough to do. Sigh.

I finally got a definite answer from Mr Moo this evening. Our Utah trip is officially ON. I'm excited about going, but I shudder when I think about how much I have to do before we leave on Wednesday. It's going to be a busy couple of days.

We were a little concerned about going away this weekend since it was the first time Josie has ever been truly alone for any length of time. Normally, Zoe would have been here to keep her company while we were away and she would be fine. Now that Zoe is gone, we weren't sure how Josie was going to react. Fortunately, she didn't poop on my pillow or anything like that. Unfortunately, she was very, very upset when we got home last night. She shouted at us for almost an hour and was very cranky all night. I let her sleep in the bed, which helped a little, but even today she's still expressing her displeasure at me. The poor thing must have been very lonely this weekend. And now I'm all worried about leaving her again if we go to Utah. If we do end up going, my in-laws will come over and check on her so she won't spend the entire time with no company at all, but she will end up spending most of it alone. We'll leave a couple stinky shirts on the floor so she'll at least have something that smells like us, which I hope will help a little. I think a big part of the problem is her growing deafness. It must be frightening to suddenly not be able to hear. Even when we're home I notice she gets a little freaked out when she can't hear or find us. We end up having to walk over and touch her to let her know where we are. I wish we knew someone who could come and stay at the house when we go away so she wouldn't have to be alone.

We're home. It was wonderful to see everyone this weekend, but so very sad at the same time. We're completely exhausted and I wish I could say "going to bed shortly", but, unfortunately, we both have a metric buttload of work to do. As of a little while ago, it looked like our trip to Utah on Wednesday was still on. However, after listening to Mr Moo grumbling about some emails he received over the weekend, I don't know if we're going to be able to go because of what's happening with his work. I dare not ask him about it right now, so I'll find out more later.

Leaving for the airport. See you in a few days. Hope everyone is having a better weekend than we are.

Regarding my last post... Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse. Sigh. Mr Moo's aunt is gravely ill. She's been in hospital for some time and, unfortunately, treatment has been unsuccessful. She is being sent home later today for hospice care. We've been summoned and will be flying to California in about 10 hours. As of right now, we're scheduled to return on Sunday night, but that could change. And, Utah is, once again, totally up in the air.

It's been a long night of phone calls, arrangement making and work. I need some sleep now. Goodnight, fishies.

Man, when it rains, it pours, doesn't it? More later.

I slept well again. Granted, I didn't get enough sleep, as per usual, but what I did get was sound. My cough is almost completely gone and my head is no longer stuffed up. Assuming this keeps up, it looks like we'll be leaving for Utah on Wednesday.

We had Panda Express for dinner the other night. I thought the fortune from my cookie was more than appropriate.

I was up much too late working last night. However, when I did finally get my sorry self to bed, I think I managed to sleep soundly for several hours, only waking up once to pee. I don't recall waking up coughing at all! Yay!!! I might actually become human again if this keeps up.

Zoe's home.

Leaving now to go pick up Zoe's ashes from the vet's office.

The last photos of Zoe from the MooCam.

From this year's Chick-fil-A calendar, One-Hit Wonder Cows:

For nearly four months, there was nobody bigger than these smooth-toned steers. But the frosted hair tips, choreographed dance routines, and flashy matching outfits couldn't hide the fact that they were pushing 35 - in cow years. One of the Boyz is now pursuing a solo career, while the rest pretend they were never in the band. But we all remember the summer they serenaded the nation about the tender side of chicken.

Thank you to everyone who left a comment or sent an email regarding my last post. For anyone who didn't, you're still welcome to do so. I like hearing from you. Mr Moo and I had a feeling that the general consensus was going to be for us to still go on our trip and we were right. We agree that the change of scenery will probably do us a world of good. At this point, the one thing that's really holding us back is my illness. It's officially been two weeks since I started feeling sick and I'm still far from 100% better. (Yes, I've been to the doctor and the only cure is time and rest.) While my head and lungs are mostly cleared up, I'm still coughing up and blowing out quite a bit of yuck. What's really dragging me down though is the fact that I haven't been able to sleep in an age since the coughing gets unbearable when I lie down. I'm exhausted and in no condition to be running around in the deserts of Utah right now. We've decided to wait a few more days to see how much (if at all) my health improves. If I'm still feeling this run down by Thursday or Friday, we'll probably cancel/postpone the trip.

Mr Moo and I are schedule to leave on vacation to Utah in 10 days. Because I'm still not feeling great and with everything that happened with Zoe this week, we're not sure if we still want to go. On the one hand, I think it will do us a load of good to get out of here for a while and focus on something other than our grief. We've talked about postponing the trip until later in the year, but I worry if we don't go now, we'll end up never going at all. The tickets are bought. The reservations are set. We should just shut up and go. On the other hand, we haven't had time to do a single iota of research about the places we're supposed to be visiting. I'm still coughing and hacking like I have tuberculosis and not sleeping well. We're both way behind on work. And, since we're both still grieving over Zoe so much, we're just not sure we could enjoy ourselves at all. So, I ask you this, dear readers, should we or shouldn't we go and why?

Since the weather is so nice, Mr Moo put Josie's collar on thinking she would go outside and join him while he did some yardwork today. A few minutes later, before he could get the door open, she discovered the sunbeam shining on her window seat.

Sorry, Mr Moo. Ain't happening today.

Zoe Tribute

We received some lovely sympathy cards in the mail today. One is from the vet's office and the other from Mr Moo's uncle.

In all the chaos of yesterday, we almost forgot that it was Josie's birthday.

Happy Sweet Sixteen, Josie.

Not long after we brought the girls home from the vet's on Wednesday, Zoe's left rear leg started giving her trouble. The leg was strong, but it was as if the instructions from her brain on how to take a step just weren't making it to the rest of her body quite right anymore. As the day and evening progressed, we could see that this condition was occurring more and more. It wasn't long before both of her rear legs were giving her trouble and she wasn't able to walk more than just a couple difficult steps before she had to sit. I could see in her eyes that her will to walk was still there. Her body just wouldn't let her. We set her up with a nice warm blanket on the guest bed and let her rest for the night.

According to Mr Moo, who was up much earlier than I, by yesterday morning, Zoe was completely unable to walk at all. None of her limbs would carry her no matter how hard she tried. He helped her use the litter box and set her back down to nap. When I got up a little while later, it was time for her meds. She was resting comfortably on the bed, so I decided to pill her there. As soon as I gave her the tablet, I knew that things were very, very bad. Almost immediately, her head turned towards her back, her whole body stiffened up and she began to vomit. She was in the midst of another grand mal seizure. I was terrified of her choking so I tried to hold her head in such a way that the vomit could come out of her mouth. However, she was seizing quite violently and it was hard to hold onto her.

The seizure finally ended. She was so weak and frail. She seemed to be barely breathing. I cleaned up her face as best I could and set her back on the bed. I knew it was time and it was selfish for me to keep her any longer. While I wanted Mr Moo to be able to see her one more time, I still prayed for her to just be taken so she wouldn't suffer anymore. I kept telling her how much I loved her and that it was okay for her to go if she wanted. A few minutes later, she woke up just long enough to lift up her head and look at me. I could see in her eyes how ready she was to go. "Momma, I'm so tired," her eyes said to me, "but I want to say goodbye to Daddy first."

I called Mr Moo to tell him how bad things were. He dropped everything and came right home. We hadn't explicitly said it out loud, but I think we had pretty much already decided that we were going to call that morning to schedule her euthanasia for this (Friday) afternoon. The more time the vet had to re-arrange his schedule, the better, and it would have also given us a little bit more time to say our goodbyes. Unfortunately, Zoe had other plans and places to be. I called the vet's office next to see how soon he could come over. The doctor pretty much finished up with the patient he was seeing at that moment and headed right over.

I moved Zoe here into the office and got things ready. I put her on her favorite blankie, turned the heater on and got some towels in case we needed them. While waiting for Mr Moo and the doctor to show up, things continued to deteriorate. I thought she was having more and more seizures. She kept stiff arming me and rolling over and over. The doctor explained to me later that, based on what he saw looking at her eyes, she had suffered damage to a nerve that caused her to have serious vertigo. She wasn't seizing, she was just feeling like she was spinning with motion sickness and trying to right herself. It was terribly hard to watch because there wasn't a whole lot I could do to help her. Fortunately, I did manage to figure out, before everyone arrived, that if I held her head still, it helped her and she calmed down a bit.

That's how we were when the doctor arrived. I was lying on the floor next to her doing my best to hold her head still. Mr Moo was right there, too. The doctor had two shots to give her. The first was a sedative to put her to sleep. After a quick examination, he gave that to her right away. I knew she wouldn't be aware of us or able to hear us after that, but it was such a relief to see her finally able to relax and lie still. He explained that the sedative would last roughly 15-20 minutes before she would start waking up again. That was our window of opportunity to say what we had to say before he had to administer the second shot, which would stop her heart.

We each took a few minutes to say our goodbyes. The doctor told us to just let him know whenever we were ready. I told him to go ahead at that point because I didn't want to risk her waking up at all. He pushed the second injection into one of her rear legs. We put our hands on her and said goodbye one more time. After about 20 seconds, the doctor listened to her chest one more time and said, "She's gone."

I cannot describe the pain in my heart at that moment. I wanted to wail, but, at the same time, I couldn't even breathe. My little baby girl was gone from us forever. I wasn't ever going to have her sit here on my desk and nuzzle me. She wasn't ever going to sit on the back of my chair with me when I sew. No more kitty kisses. No more sleeping under the covers with me. No more Zoe. There is an emptiness in my soul that doesn't feel like it will ever go away. She was so unique. She wasn't like other cats, who only seem to pay attention to you when they want something to eat. She would sit with you because she wanted to be near you. If I got up to go into another room, she would follow me just to see what I was doing and make sure she was there if I needed her. She wasn't just a cat. She was my companion. My best friend. And I will miss her until the end of time.

Have I mentioned lately how much I love our vet? He is an amazing and wonderful man. He didn't rush us one bit once it was over. He even sat on the floor, pet her with us and listened while we told some stories about her. He ended up being here for over an hour. Eventually, it was time for him to go. He wrapped Zoe up in fluffy pink towel he had brought, gently carried her down to his car and laid her in the back seat. I asked to see her one more time and he let me while Mr Moo filled out some paperwork. After a round of hugs, he got into his car and we watched as he drove away.

We are having Zoe's remains privately cremated. It's a bit more expensive than general cremation, where they do several animals at the same time, but this way we'll know the ashes we get back will be just Zoe's and no one else's. It's my understanding that she was picked up this afternoon from the vet's office, the cremation will happen over the weekend and we will get her back on Tuesday. The doctor wasn't sure if they would pick her up yesterday afternoon or today. I left the clinic a panicked message late last night and asked that someone get a clipping of her hair for me, if she was still there, since I forgot to get one myself yesterday. They called this morning to let me know they were able to do so and they'll hold onto it for me until we pick up her ashes next week.

I want to thank all of you for your kind comments, emails and phone calls. I'm not up to replying to everyone just yet (not sure I ever will be), but please know that I have read/heard and cherish each and every single one of them. It is the love and support of you, our friends and family, that will get us through this difficult time. We love you all.

Zoe is gone.

Goodnight, my angel.