Not long after we brought the girls home from the vet's on Wednesday, Zoe's left rear leg started giving her trouble. The leg was strong, but it was as if the instructions from her brain on how to take a step just weren't making it to the rest of her body quite right anymore. As the day and evening progressed, we could see that this condition was occurring more and more. It wasn't long before both of her rear legs were giving her trouble and she wasn't able to walk more than just a couple difficult steps before she had to sit. I could see in her eyes that her will to walk was still there. Her body just wouldn't let her. We set her up with a nice warm blanket on the guest bed and let her rest for the night.

According to Mr Moo, who was up much earlier than I, by yesterday morning, Zoe was completely unable to walk at all. None of her limbs would carry her no matter how hard she tried. He helped her use the litter box and set her back down to nap. When I got up a little while later, it was time for her meds. She was resting comfortably on the bed, so I decided to pill her there. As soon as I gave her the tablet, I knew that things were very, very bad. Almost immediately, her head turned towards her back, her whole body stiffened up and she began to vomit. She was in the midst of another grand mal seizure. I was terrified of her choking so I tried to hold her head in such a way that the vomit could come out of her mouth. However, she was seizing quite violently and it was hard to hold onto her.

The seizure finally ended. She was so weak and frail. She seemed to be barely breathing. I cleaned up her face as best I could and set her back on the bed. I knew it was time and it was selfish for me to keep her any longer. While I wanted Mr Moo to be able to see her one more time, I still prayed for her to just be taken so she wouldn't suffer anymore. I kept telling her how much I loved her and that it was okay for her to go if she wanted. A few minutes later, she woke up just long enough to lift up her head and look at me. I could see in her eyes how ready she was to go. "Momma, I'm so tired," her eyes said to me, "but I want to say goodbye to Daddy first."

I called Mr Moo to tell him how bad things were. He dropped everything and came right home. We hadn't explicitly said it out loud, but I think we had pretty much already decided that we were going to call that morning to schedule her euthanasia for this (Friday) afternoon. The more time the vet had to re-arrange his schedule, the better, and it would have also given us a little bit more time to say our goodbyes. Unfortunately, Zoe had other plans and places to be. I called the vet's office next to see how soon he could come over. The doctor pretty much finished up with the patient he was seeing at that moment and headed right over.

I moved Zoe here into the office and got things ready. I put her on her favorite blankie, turned the heater on and got some towels in case we needed them. While waiting for Mr Moo and the doctor to show up, things continued to deteriorate. I thought she was having more and more seizures. She kept stiff arming me and rolling over and over. The doctor explained to me later that, based on what he saw looking at her eyes, she had suffered damage to a nerve that caused her to have serious vertigo. She wasn't seizing, she was just feeling like she was spinning with motion sickness and trying to right herself. It was terribly hard to watch because there wasn't a whole lot I could do to help her. Fortunately, I did manage to figure out, before everyone arrived, that if I held her head still, it helped her and she calmed down a bit.

That's how we were when the doctor arrived. I was lying on the floor next to her doing my best to hold her head still. Mr Moo was right there, too. The doctor had two shots to give her. The first was a sedative to put her to sleep. After a quick examination, he gave that to her right away. I knew she wouldn't be aware of us or able to hear us after that, but it was such a relief to see her finally able to relax and lie still. He explained that the sedative would last roughly 15-20 minutes before she would start waking up again. That was our window of opportunity to say what we had to say before he had to administer the second shot, which would stop her heart.

We each took a few minutes to say our goodbyes. The doctor told us to just let him know whenever we were ready. I told him to go ahead at that point because I didn't want to risk her waking up at all. He pushed the second injection into one of her rear legs. We put our hands on her and said goodbye one more time. After about 20 seconds, the doctor listened to her chest one more time and said, "She's gone."

I cannot describe the pain in my heart at that moment. I wanted to wail, but, at the same time, I couldn't even breathe. My little baby girl was gone from us forever. I wasn't ever going to have her sit here on my desk and nuzzle me. She wasn't ever going to sit on the back of my chair with me when I sew. No more kitty kisses. No more sleeping under the covers with me. No more Zoe. There is an emptiness in my soul that doesn't feel like it will ever go away. She was so unique. She wasn't like other cats, who only seem to pay attention to you when they want something to eat. She would sit with you because she wanted to be near you. If I got up to go into another room, she would follow me just to see what I was doing and make sure she was there if I needed her. She wasn't just a cat. She was my companion. My best friend. And I will miss her until the end of time.

Have I mentioned lately how much I love our vet? He is an amazing and wonderful man. He didn't rush us one bit once it was over. He even sat on the floor, pet her with us and listened while we told some stories about her. He ended up being here for over an hour. Eventually, it was time for him to go. He wrapped Zoe up in fluffy pink towel he had brought, gently carried her down to his car and laid her in the back seat. I asked to see her one more time and he let me while Mr Moo filled out some paperwork. After a round of hugs, he got into his car and we watched as he drove away.

We are having Zoe's remains privately cremated. It's a bit more expensive than general cremation, where they do several animals at the same time, but this way we'll know the ashes we get back will be just Zoe's and no one else's. It's my understanding that she was picked up this afternoon from the vet's office, the cremation will happen over the weekend and we will get her back on Tuesday. The doctor wasn't sure if they would pick her up yesterday afternoon or today. I left the clinic a panicked message late last night and asked that someone get a clipping of her hair for me, if she was still there, since I forgot to get one myself yesterday. They called this morning to let me know they were able to do so and they'll hold onto it for me until we pick up her ashes next week.

I want to thank all of you for your kind comments, emails and phone calls. I'm not up to replying to everyone just yet (not sure I ever will be), but please know that I have read/heard and cherish each and every single one of them. It is the love and support of you, our friends and family, that will get us through this difficult time. We love you all.