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Charbroilemagne
The year was 800 AD. The Charred Ages were at their most blackened. Desperate peoples were reduced to eating burgers to survive, and chronic chickenlessness held sway over the land. When, from out of the mists of history, emerged Charbroilemagne, King of the All-Beef Franks. He did unite all the warring herds, including the rebellious Northern Shorthorns. 'Twas he who restored order to the land. And that order was: \"Two chicken sandwiches and waffle fries, to go!\"" Calendar01[2] = "
Reuben Hood
The environs of Sherwood Pasture still echo with tales of this beloved bandit. He and his Band of Merry Meat - including stout-hearts Friar Chuck and Little Jerky - prowled the hills and hollows of Dairy Olde England, robbing burgers from the rich and giving them chicken in their stead. Expert with a bow and arrow despite his lack of opposable thumbs, he was the bane of the evil Sheriff of Nottinghamburger." Calendar01[3] = "
Agrilles
Agrilles, hero of Homer's \"The Grilliad\", brought chicken sandwiches down from Mount Cowlympus. He was rendered all but invincible when he was dipped in an enchanted vat of barbecue sauce. Only one hoof was left unprotected - the one by which his mother, Heiferestis, held him. No weapon could harm him: not grinder, slicer, nor tenderizing mallet. Until one fateful morn, when a branding iron pierced his most vulnerable spot. To this day, someone's weakest area is called the Agrilles Hoof." Calendar01[4] = "
Boldhoof
A descendant of the great MacCowans, proudest of the Highland Herds, Bullion \"Boldhoof\" Wallace did fight at the side of Rocert the Brisket, rightful heir to the throne of Scotland. Many an enemy Burger Eater would tremble at the merest mention of Steak Tartan, as Wallace came to be known. Untippable he remained in his support of the eating of chicken, even when his enemies Lord Bacon and the Earl of Cheddar did try to top him." Calendar01[5] = "
Moolius Caesar
First emperor of the Bovine Empire, this roamin' Roman strove to rid the Mooditerranean world of burgers forever. He often staged spectacular chicken barbecues in the Cowliseum for weeks on end as both entertainment and displays of his catering prowess. But his ambitious attempts to name the Chicken Caesar Salad after himself did stir his rivals to jealous anger. After betrayal by one of his closest compatriots, Mootus Cudicus Maximus, his last words were, \"Et tu, Mooté?\"" Calendar01[6] = "
Joan of Alfalfa
Known affectionately throughout France as the Milkmaid of Orleans, young Joan did rise from her peasant barnyard to lead the forces of chicken against the Burger Eaters. Her struggle was an act in the great drama known throughout the ages as the Hundred Years' Barbecue. She grazed the countryside looking for volunteers, and untold thousands flocked - actually, herded - to her moo. Fearless in battle, she was captured by the enemy at Cordon Bleu and was (literally) braded a Hereford." Calendar01[7] = "
King Art-Herd
Much myth and legend surroundeth the tale (and tail) of King Art-Herd, defender of Graze Britain against the barnbarian burger hordes. With his Lady Guineveal by his flank, he and his Knights of the Round Stable did bring hope, stability and, yea, chicken sandwiches to a troubled and hungy land. Legend sayeth that Moolin the Magician proclaimed him king when, as a calf, 'twas he alone that could withdraw the sword Excowibur from a particularly tight-packed hay bale." Calendar01[8] = "
Kobe Kowsumoto
Tough in battle yet tender in the rump and flank, Kobe Kowsumoto lived by the tenets of mooshido, the code of honor revered by all samoorai: Protect the weak, moo only when mooed at, and always encourage others to eat more chicken. But time stands still for no cow, and the traditional ways were done away with by the corrupt Burger Eaters. Rather than submit, Kowsumoto led a revolt of the other samoorai, known to posterity as the Kobe Beef." Calendar01[9] = "
Lady Guineveal
Behind every great cow is a tail. And behind that is a strong heifer. King Art-Herd's heifer was Guineveal, the most beautiful, most tender creature in Cowmoolot. She was captured by Moodred, treacherous ally of the Burger Eaters. One night while Moodred slept (standing up), Lady Guineveal escaped with the help of Sir Lunchalot. As a token of her gratitude, she gave him her scarf woven of the finest clovers, alfalfas, and grasses. He promptly ate it." Calendar01[10] = "
Beif Eriksson
Most famous of the Bovikings, Beif and his warriors did prowl the seas in sleek longbarns, moorauding through unsuspecting village barbecues. Their horned helmets (in truth just regular helmets with holes for their real horns to poke through) filled Burger Eaters with fear, as they were quite pointy. Beif spent his later years grazing new lands, founding a colony at Moofoundland. In traditional Boviking fashion, he was finally \"put out to pasture\" by being set adrift in a burning food trough." Calendar01[11] = "
El Cud
One of Spain's most celebrated of heroes (second in renown only to Herdinand and Isabulla), El Cud doth be famed in both song and story. A passionate believer in eating more chicken, he didst prevent Europe from being overrun by the burger-eating Mooers. His greatest victory was at the fortress city of Toledo, where his mighty cowtapults knocked holes in the walls. The people of \"Hole-y Toledo\", as it became known, coined the phrase \"Holy Cow\" in El Cud's honor. We use it still." Calendar01[12] = "
Angus Khan
Few cows were more feared than the great Angus Khan, overlord of the nomadic Moongols. At its height, his empire stretched from the steppes of Outer Moongolia, past the Great Wire of China, and as far west as the Cowspian Sea. In his relentless quest to end the burger eating forever, no one was spared - men, women, and children were equally encouraged to eat more chicken. Entire villages were often put to the drive-thru." Calendar01[13] = "" var Calendar02 = new Array() Calendar02[1] = "
The Salisbury Calf
Known simply as \"THE CALF\", this sneaky lil' blanky-totin' buckaroo was wanted for killin' the appetite o' over 350 men by the age o' 4 by sabotagin' their beef dinners (so they'd start hankerin' for chicken instead). Wearin' his trademark ONE-GALLON HAT, The Calf would tip-hoof into boardin' houses and change the recipes and cookin' instructions, then escape aboard his trusty steed, NUGGET. Ever tried raw sirloin tips atop butter pecan ice cream? YUCK." Calendar02[2] = "
Marshal Marseilles Marsala
The entire bovine revolution mushroomed once the great Marshal Marseilles (said mar-SAY) Marsala took up the cause. Though he was part French, he was no petit filet. Ya see, his great-great-uncle was the one and only NAPOLEON \"T-BONE\" APARTE, so leadin' the pro-chicken charge was in his blood. Fact is, many a steer eater steered plumb clear o' the Marshal as he decreed his hometown o' Salt Lick City, Utah: CHIKIN ONLEE." Calendar02[3] = "
Sloppy Joe
Oprhaned at the TENDERIZED age o' 6 months, ol' Sloppy Joe was wanted throughout Kansas for bein' a loiterer, interloper, and general public moosance. 'Bout the only thing he did was cattle drive local butchers PLUMB LOCO. Ya see, he'd hide hisself in the back o' the shop so while payin' customers'd watch their steaks bein' cut, he'd let out one painful moo after another, causin' the womenfolk to SKEDADDLE, never to return. Bad for business, good for cows." Calendar02[4] = "
Annie Jokely
The Great Burger Rush saw ranchers, rustlers, butchers, and the like come from far 'n wide to see the FIRST FEMALE COWMIC. Every Saturday night at THE CACKLIN' FIRE, Annie'd mix in her strange brand o' OFF-BEEF HUMOR with her wild chicken dance. She was such a laugh riot, she'd start one. These cowboys would whack each other so SENSELESS, they wouldn't be much good for workin' the next day." Calendar02[5] = "
The Chicken Dumplin' Gang
Plenty o' dime novels and picture books was written about the legendary Chicken Dumplin' Gang, led by BUFFALO BILL COATING, a.k.a. \"The Fastest Skillet in the West\". This lightnin'-quick mess wagon cook and his POLLO POSSE o' Carne Asada and \"Flap\" Jack Makak would convert foul-mouthed cattlemen into fowl-mouthed cattlemen in no time flat. Ya see, once they got to a-breadin' and a-seasonin', the Gang could make anythin' taste \"JUST LIKE CHIKIN\"." Calendar02[6] = "
Bessie James
Cowboy-cut from the same cloth as her pappy and her pappy's pappy. Bessie come from a long line o' stage 'n train bandits. She was credited for HAMBUSHIN' a total o' 34 red-meat-servin' dinin' cars from Missoura to New Mexico. With tongue a-waggin' and blonde hair a-flyin', Bessie'd hop aboard and hold up dinner. She'd PILFER all red meat: from passengers' steaks to their - not gold, but BEEF BULLION." Calendar02[7] = "
The Porterhouse Boys
Branded as inbred MISCREANTS from birth, the infamous Porterhouse Boys was so lackin' even one ounce o' grace or refinement that a whole new term, \"rawhide\", was introduced to describe 'em. But these crude CATTLE-THIEVIN' BROTHERS saved nearly 2,000 head o' steer from butchers' meat cleavers. Here, under the cover o' night, the Boys free another herd o' longhorn cattle. The one thing Pa Porterhouse did learn 'em: An EMPTY CORRAL is an OK CORRAL, indeed." Calendar02[8] = "
Big Nose Ellie
Due to the heap o' schoolhouse teasin' she took for her ABNORMALLY LARGE SCHNOZ, the trick-ridin' Big Nose Ellie figur'd early on that she best learn to defend herself. So she took up lassoin', ropin' and o' course, bullwhippin'. Back in her HAYDAY, beef eaters had best beware. Fancy ol' Big Nose was liable to swat swipe, or hogtie burger sympathizers faster 'n a JACKRABBIT CHASIN' A STINKBUG. (She knew strikin' first was way better than endin' up home, home on the range top.)" Calendar02[9] = "
Gristley Adams
The Indians called this famous mountain cow LONESOME HOOF. The locals just called the crazy coot a bit tetched in the head. But rarely to medium-rarely had anyone even laid eyes on the gnarly ol' free-range spirit till the Great Burger Rush. That's when Gristley's legend was born. Why, he and his only friend, his ever faithful (and ever fragrant) companion P.U. THE SKUNK, would just moosey into campsites and send hundreds o' brisket-eatin' bullies a-packin'." Calendar02[10] = "
Blackened Bart
After a campfire flare-up done CHARRED his whole dadburn face, the masked Bartholemoo Winchestershire instantly became known as Blackened Bart. Portrayed in spaghetti 'n meatball Westerns (like A Fistful o' Flank Steak and True Gristle) as a heartless bunslinger, Bart was rightly quite tame - unless provoked by non-chicken-lovers. Here, Bart HAMBUSHES the weekly steak sauce shipment. Bart often drove deliveries like this here into a crevasse (that thar's French for \"big honkin' ditch\")." Calendar02[11] = "
Sacowgewea
This here Native American Holstein from the NOSTEAKFORYEWA Herd didn't cotton to fightin'. Like her famous grandpappy, Standing Bull, Sacowgewea learnt her herd the delicate art o' smoke signalin'. Real nice and PEACEFUL like, this'd win over many a beef-jerky-chewin' bunslinger and PER-SUEDE 'em toward a diet rich in white meat. (Also referred to as Sacowjawea, Sakowkajea, and Stands-With-A-Chicken.)" Calendar02[12] = "
Davy Briquette
Seldom was heard a discouragin' word about one o' the most praised (not braised) cow cowpokes o' the Old West. Davy was an EXPERT big game hunter 'n trapper, and TRAPPIN' CATTLE RUSTLERS was one big game to him. Wearin' his signature coonskin cap and usin' crude cow decoys, Davy would snare hisself a few red meat wranglers and string 'em up. An' he wouldn't turn 'em loose neither - till they'd pledge by Davy's famous sayin', \"BURGERS? WE DON'T NEED NO STINKIN' BURGERS!\"" Calendar02[13] = "It was known as the GREAT BURGER RUSH. In the late 1800's, wagon trains fill o' red-meat-lovin' settlers began floodin' the West lookin' to put down roots (and plenty o' burgers). But a few brave cowpokes, branded THE GROUND CHUCKWAGON 12, stood in the way. Their one undyin' message: \"Y'ALL EAT MORE CHICKEN!\"" var Calendar03 = new Array() Calendar03[1] = "Known more for their dance moves than their vocals, these high-pitched disco dynamos were all about stayin' alive. And though it didn't get much airplay, their dance ditty Shake Your Chicken Thang inspired a nationwide dance craze known as \"The Not-So-Funky Chicken\"." Calendar03[2] = "In his prime, this beefy baritone was known as the corooner with a cause. Easily recognizable with his cow-chop sideburns and the evert-present hairy chest, Veal had no problem getting his \"burgers are't for you, babe\" message through to his female fans. Not only with his music but also through the endless buffet of chicken sandwiches he offered them backstage." Calendar03[3] = "Thanks to a successful factory outlet food court tour, her first single shot straight to the top of the charts. But because she was unable to lip-sync and chew gum at the same time, her lack of talent became painfully obvious to her teenybopper fans. Lucky for cows, the catchy chorus about ordering chicken over and over again is impossible for people to get out of their heads." Calendar03[4] = "These spandex-and-pleather-clad rockers were known for putting on the wildest live shows in the West. But due to the inordinate amount of hairspray, they did it without pyrotechnics. One night, lead guitarist Ron Von Bovine attempted to take out some burger eaters in the front row. He is now credited with pioneering the stage dive." Calendar03[5] = "For nearly four months, there was nobody bigger than these smooth-toned steers. But the frosted hair tips, choreographed dance routines, and flashy matching outfits couldn't hide the fact that they were pushing 35 - in cow years. One of the Boyz is now pursuing a solo career, while the rest pretend they were never in the band. But we all remember the summer they serenaded the nation about the tender side of chicken." Calendar03[6] = "This tie-dyed trio made people believe that eating chicken meant sticking it to the Man. They staged sit-ins. They organized burger protests. They stampeded on Washington. But the Herd was best known for their performance at the legendary music festival Livestock. It was there that they coined the phrase, \"Make chicken, not war, man.\"" Calendar03[7] = "Following in the hoofsteps of his father, Junior Sr., turned out to be a hard row to hoe. After years of being shunned by the Nashville machine, Junior Jr. recorded his only hit - an upbeat country-crossover tune about the guilty pleasure of boot scootin' while eating chicken." Calendar03[8] = "Burger consumption is a global problem, and these animated hombres did their part to put it to rest. They played only the best venues south of the border, but American promoters feared that their bilingual hit wouldn't translate in the States. So these mariachi musicians of the midway proved once again that everyone speaks the international language of chicken." Calendar03[9] = "What he lacked in talent, he made up for in hair. Ladies loved Mulletcut for his role as Dr. Chaz Navarro on a daytime soap opera. Guys related to his passion for chicken - and pants with 57 zippers. Even after his soap was canceled and his hairline receded, Bobby continued to sell out stadiums. In Germany." Calendar03[10] = "These rambunctious rawhides from across the pond weren't afraid to ruffle feathers. Their anti-burger-establishment message struck a chord with the feedlot generation; however, after the band scored a hit, their fans considered them sellouts. But to these porterhouses of punk, it was well worth it, because restaurants throughout the kingdom were selling out of chicken." Calendar03[11] = "With the overnight success of her first and only hit, Lady Marinade became known as the Material Heifer. Soaking up the newfound fame, this diamond-clad diva's ego was off the charts - much like every other song she ever recorded. Still starved for attention, Lady Marinade now hosts a chicken-cooking reality TV show called Filet Factor." Calendar03[12] = "For one long summer, everything in a cow's world was irie, mon. Medium Rasta's happy lyrics and steel drums were infectious, and tourists all over the Caribbean were skipping their beef entrees in favor of jerk chicken. If it weren't for a tragic beach bonfire accident, their music would still be inspiring chicken eating and limbo lines today." Calendar03[13] = "Even though their careers burned out, their pro-chicken message will never fade away. And while these washed-up bovines had different styles, there's one thing they all agreed on: 15 minutes of fame is better than 15 minutes of flame." var Calendar04 = new Array() Calendar04[1] = "
The Filet Team
After escaping from a maximum-security stockade, this renegade herd of Holsteins has taken burger enforcement into their own hooves. Led by Mr. T-Bone, with his signature phrase, \"I pity da' fowl!\" the Filet Team practices a red-hot brand of justice, tracking down burger eaters and making them spit it out for chicken." Calendar04[2] = "
Grill Street Blues
Notorius for his flame-grilled temper and unorthodox methods, Sgt. Randy Steakowitz of the Special Grilling Unit often finds himself embroiled in controversy. The well-seasoned sergeant's interrogations usually employ his patented \"good sandwich/bad sandwich\" technique, squeezing confessions fromt he most determined of criminals. Under Sgt. Steakowitz, the meat scales of justice have never been the same." Calendar04[3] = "
Charsky & Hoof
On the mean streets of San Francisco, you're either fast, or you're fast food. Not a problem for undercover cops Ken Charsky and Manuel \"Manny\" Hoof. Whether they're breaking up burger rings or foiling beef extortion plots, their 1969 Cowvette is Grade A greased lightning." Calendar04[4] = "
Angus, PI
Expensive cars and gorgeous heifers are just some of the benefits of working for eccentric millionaire Chuck Porterhouse III. Sporting shades and a stockpile of floral shirts, studly private investigator Ross Angus leads a life of seemingly endless car chases and hoof-fights. Anything to keep the island of Mooui safe for chicken lovers." Calendar04[5] = "
CHaPs
As members of the California Hamburger Patrol, Officer Frank \"Munch\" Muncherello and his straitlaced partner, Jon Beefcaker, are all too familiar with the recent rash of burger smuggling that has plagued the highways of southern California. Patrolling the beat in aviator shades and rump-hugging pants, Munch and Jon have busted everyone from common jerky-heads to international beef lords." Calendar04[6] = "
Cowlumbo
Don't be fooled by his slovenly appearance and slow-witted ramblings. Lt. Cowlumbo leaves no bun unturned, solving the most gristly cases before the ketchup even dries. Beef eaters, beware! Cowlumbo will be all over you like a bad horsefly." Calendar04[7] = "
Judge Phyllis Cheesesteak
Forget trial by jury. This saucy heifer serves up justice faster than a drive-thru. With the help of her baliff, \"Bull,\" Judge Phyllis has presided over hundreds of cases ranging from voluntary cowslaughter to illegal bun laundering. She's even butted heads with notorious crime boss Timmy \"The Spatula\" Zambrano." Calendar04[8] = "
Hoofer, Texas Wrangler
The Lone Star State has been home to some legendary characters, but none more so than Hoofer, Texas Wrangler. With a black belt in moo-jitsu, Hoofer greets criminals with a swift round-roast kick to the face. But beneath his leathery hide he has a heart of gold, reaching out with open hooves and encouraging misguided children to stay away from beef." Calendar04[9] = "
Baloney Vice
In the high-stakes game of international beef trafficking, all roads lead through Baloney Beach. But thanks to mulleted mooers Ronny Brisquet and Rafael de Vaca, those days are coming to an end. Wearing an array of pastels and polyester, these undercover cows will do anything to bust crime chef Fatty Empanada." Calendar04[10] = "
Chuckie's Heifers
If you're packing heat - the heat that makes burgers - you'd better hope these hot-tempered heifers don't find you. With their alluring beauty, special agents Bearnaise, Hollandaise and Mayonnaise may look like angels, but they hurt like a Charlie horse. There's no tougher meat on the Special Chicken Task Force." Calendar04[11] = "
BSI: Bovine Special Investigators
In the often messy field of lunch scene investigation, it takes a special breed to crack the case. Led by Gus McGristle, chief beef examiner and an expert in greasy fingerprint identification, the BSI team reconstructs elaborate lunch scenes using fork trajectories, ketchup splatter patterns and the latest in sesame seed analysis." Calendar04[12] = "
MooGyver
Working for a top-secret foundation called the Feedlot, Agent MooGyver has an uncanny ability to escape even the greasiest situations. Whether he's fashioning a zip-line from a piece of bailing wire or disarming a barbeque grill with a paper clip, the resourceful MooGyver has guided countless villains toward the ways of chicken-eating." Calendar04[13] = "" var Calendar05 = new Array() Calendar05[1] = "
The Three Brisketeers
With their famous mantra, \"One for all, and all for chicken!\" the Three Brisketeers set out to stop the powerful Cardinal Le Broilier. Pledging their loyalty to King Stewy XIV, the inseperable Flank, Frank and Shank become masters of both sword-fighting and hoof-to-hand combat." Calendar05[2] = "
Steerlock Holmes
Having eluded Scotland Barnyard for years, the mysterious spatula-wielding Jack the Flipper is now at it again. But fast on the tracks of this notorious serial cooker is the keen-eyed inspector Steerlock Holmes. With his trusty sidekick, Wellington, Steerlock has cracked down on some of the most infamous criminals in London's burger-ridden Beefpacking District." Calendar05[3] = "
Salisbury in Wonderland
After falling into a hole while grazing for hay, the young Salisbury finds herself in an eccentric world where no bovine is what he seems. Despite warnings from the Cattledee and Cattledum, Salisbury is entrapped by the Chef of Hearts. But the quick-witted calf soon escapes after distracting the Chef with the Furry Hatter's riddle: \"Which came first, the chicken or the bun?\"" Calendar05[4] = "
Old Mooer
Perhaps no story has turned more people away from beef-eating than the touching tale of Old Mooer. Set in the prairie town of Pasture Point, Texas, the story begins with the Smith family reluctantly adopting the scruffy mutt cow that has appeared on their doorstep. After saving the family from wild wolves and a runaway stagecoach, the lovable Old Mooer quickly warms the family's hearts, persuading them to convert their farm from cattle to poultry." Calendar05[5] = "
Robinson Cowrusoe
While searching for a new oat trading route, a mariner named Cowrusoe becomes stranded on an uncharted island in the Cowribbean with only the hay on his back. But despite having all the lush grass he can possibly chew, Cowrusoe's only true happiness lies in persuading the local tribe of burger-eaters to set their sights on the island's wild poultry instead." Calendar05[6] = "
Bulliver's Travels
Unlucky from the day he was calved, Bulliver finds himself in an endless series of misadventures. From a bizarre run-in with a band of tiny burger chefs called the Deliputians to a land of giant, pecking chickens, Bulliver discovers that no matter where you travel, it ain't easy being a bovine." Calendar05[7] = "
Mooby Dick
In this harrowing tale of one man's self-destructive desire for burgers, we follow the vengeful Captain Fryhab and his shipmate Charbuck. After years of searching for an elusive white whale cow named Mooby, Fryhab is awakened one night to cries of, \"Thar she moos!\" The crew prepares for the barbecue of their lives. But in an ironic turn of events, Mooby discovers the joy of human-tipping." Calendar05[8] = "
Ali Babacue and the 40 Chefs
This ancient bovine epic tells the story of a poor nomadic cow named Ali Babacue. One day, while shepherding chickens, Ali stumbles across a cave holding a secret stockpile of golden cooking utensils. He then sets out to remove them after overhearing the chefs' magic password, \"Open Sesame Seed!\"" Calendar05[9] = "
20,000 Bales Under the Sea
After constructing a top-secret submarine from scrap barn wood, the eccentric Captain Nemoo assembles a team of bovine adventurers to hunt for the Lost City of Chicklantis. Outwitting the notorious cooktopus, Nemoo and his crew finally find the Lost City, where the streets are made of hay and there's a chicken in every pot." Calendar05[10] = "
Flankenstein
Few characters have left as powerful a hoofmark on cow literature as Flankenstein. But beneath his ghoulish appearance lies a benevolent bovine struggling to make sense of a world where cows are eaten instead of loved. After escaping from his creator, the distraught Flankenstein embarks on an antibeef crusade, pleading with the villagers to look within themselves and quell their red-meat fixation." Calendar05[11] = "
Porter Pan
In this classic tale adored by calves and children alike, the mischievous Porter Pan, a calf who refuses to grow up, leads a band of kids on a magical adventure through Neverpasture. Porter's message is simple: Eat chicken, and you will never grow old! But standing in his way is the ravenous Captain Meathook, who sees Porter as nothing but aged veal." Calendar05[12] = "
A Christmas Cowbell
This holiday favorite tells the story of a crotchety beef tycoon named Burganeezer, known for his trademark phrase, \"Bah, hamburger!\" On the verge of launching a new holiday brisket, Burganeezer is awakened on Christmas Eve by three cow spirits: the Ghosts of Dinner Past, Present and Future. They reveal just how much better a chicken-filled life could be." Calendar05[13] = "" var Calendar06 = new Array() Calendar06[1] = "
Boogyin' With the Bovines
Even though this rhythmically challenged cow actually has two left feet, Fabio Flatiron works harder and performs better than anybody the show's ever seen. With flamboyant sequins in the form of a chicken on every costume, Fabio cha-chas, foxtrots and tangos his tail off to show the world that it's better to see a cow cut a rug than see one become a cold cut." Calendar06[2] = "
The Beefcake
He's successful. He's rich in protein. He's one handsome beefcake. In real life, the ladies play hard to get. But when you put 20 heifers in the same house, they play hardball to win the affection of this prize bull. When the dates are over and the drama is done, he'll choose the heifer who shares his one goal in life: to remove the burgers from every menu in the heartland." Calendar06[3] = "
Cowlinary Quest
When it comes to chicken, you can never have too many cooks in the kitchen. Each week, these cowlinary students slice and ice the freshest ingredients in their quest to create the perfect chicken entree. The competition is fierce. The pressure is unbearable. But these cow cooks press on, because they know that if they can't take the heat, burgers will wind up in the kitchen." Calendar06[4] = "
Project Bunaway
Project Bunaway isn't just a show. It's a moovement. Each episode begins with a challenge: Create a clothing line that makes people crave chicken. With their steaks at stake, these rin roasts of the runway design, cut and sew everything from chicken-feather boas to beak bracelets to make chicken the most fashionable fare in Hollywood." Calendar06[5] = "
The Grazing Race
This incredible program spans the globe as it follows its cow contestants in their quest to wipe burgers off the map. With challenges like constructing a hay hut in the Serengeti or tugging a cart of chickens to a village in the Swiss Alps, winners receive a first prize of 1 million pounds of hay. But every cow wins if they can show viewers that \"burgers\" is a dirty word in any language." Calendar06[6] = "
America's Most Talented T-Bone
They juggle burning chicken nuggets. They sing songs about chicken. They moo ventriloquism routines with chicken puppets. One herd even performed acrobatics, until they fell through the stage floor. Once the judges give their opinions, it's ultimately up to the viewers to decide which cow did the best job of making beef look entertaining - and making chicken look appetizing." Calendar06[7] = "
Extreme Barn Takeover: Chicken Edition
This show specializes in providing the nicest henhouses you could ever imagine to people who need them. But make no mistake: It's not about charity - it's about chicken. When the barn doors are knocked down and the rooster weather vane is placed at the top of the coop, the proud owners of a new chicken farm are ready to provide chicken to half the free world." Calendar06[8] = "
Sirloin of the Fittest
Like real life for cows, this is a game of attrition. On this grueling reality show, cows of all kinds are shipped to a deserted island to see who will be the last cow standing - sometimes on a single pole over croc-infested waters. They brave the elements, live off the land, and strategically pick each other off with one goal in mind: gaining immunity from becoming a burger." Calendar06[9] = "
Food Faux Pas
According to the hosts of this show, it's just not fashionable to eat beef. So they raid the refrigerator and shame their subjects into getting rid of all things beef with catty comments like, \"Burgers are so five minutes ago,\" and \"Burgers make your rump roast look big.\" Contestants end up with a total fridge makeover - and the understanding that chicken never goes out of style." Calendar06[10] = "
American Patty Haters
This show pits America's brawniest bovines agains their archenemies - habitual burger eaters. In tests of raw strength and sheer determination, burger eaters compete in a series of obstacle courses, tennis-ball-cannon gauntlets, and one-on-one bouts that end with contestants wanting to cry uncle but instead being forced to cry \"chicken\"." Calendar06[11] = "
The Cutting Boardroom
Let's face it. This show is cutthroat, just like the real business world. That's why the cows fundraise, market, and wheel and deal in every episode to show the real value of chicken. Then, they nervously face the boss to find out where they stand on the company food chain. After all, the last thing a cow who fears becoming a combo meal wants to hear is, \"You're canned.\"" Calendar06[12] = "
Riskiest Rib Eyes
These mooing mariners risk life and four limbs to capture the plump-breasted iceberg-dwelling Antarctic snow chickens that inhabit the Bulling Sea. On these frigid waters, there's always the risk of striking an iceberg that could cause a shipwreck of titanic proportions. But if Captain Cold Cut can bring a thousand pounds of poultry to port, that's a risk he's willing to take." Calendar06[13] = "" function DisplayImageComment(PageName,ImageNumber,ImageType){ if (PageName == "Calendar01") { document.getElementById("descriptionarea").innerHTML = Calendar01[ImageNumber]; } if (PageName == "Calendar02") { document.getElementById("descriptionarea").innerHTML = Calendar02[ImageNumber]; } if (PageName == "Calendar03") { document.getElementById("descriptionarea").innerHTML = Calendar03[ImageNumber]; } if (PageName == "Calendar04") { document.getElementById("descriptionarea").innerHTML = Calendar04[ImageNumber]; } if (PageName == "Calendar05") { document.getElementById("descriptionarea").innerHTML = Calendar05[ImageNumber]; } if (PageName == "Calendar06") { document.getElementById("descriptionarea").innerHTML = Calendar06[ImageNumber]; } ImageName = "images/calendars/"; if (ImageNumber < 10) { ImageName += PageName + "_0" + ImageNumber + "." + ImageType; } else { ImageName += PageName + "_" + ImageNumber + "." + ImageType; } document.images.picturearea.src=ImageName; } // ***************************** // *** Disable Right Click *** // ***************************** var message=""; function clickIE() {if (document.all) {(message);return false;}} function clickNS(e) {if (document.layers||(document.getElementById&&!document.all)) { if (e.which==2||e.which==3) {(message);return false;}}} if (document.layers) {document.captureEvents(Event.MOUSEDOWN);document.onmousedown=clickNS;} else{document.onmouseup=clickNS;document.oncontextmenu=clickIE;} document.oncontextmenu=new Function("return false") var days = new Array("","Sunday","Monday","Tuesday","Wednesday","Thursday","Friday","Saturday"); var months = new Array("","January","February","March","April","May","June","July","August","September","October","November","December"); today = new Date(); today_day = today.getDay() + 1; today_month = today.getMonth() + 1; today_date = today.getDate(); today_year = today.getFullYear(); var spacer='

'; var messages = new Array(12) for (i=1; i<=12; i++) messages[i] = new Array(31) messages[01][01] = "Happy Birthday, Rory"; messages[01][05] = "Happy Birthday, Lisa"; messages[01][06] = "Happy Birthday, David"+spacer+"Happy Birthday, Ralph"; messages[01][08] = "Happy Birthday, Jon"; messages[01][12] = "Happy Birthday, UR"; messages[01][14] = "Happy Birthday, Matthew"; messages[01][15] = "Happy Birthday, Kris"; messages[01][19] = "Happy Birthday, Kay"; messages[01][26] = "Happy Birthday, Charlie"; messages[01][27] = "Happy Birthday, Marsha"; messages[01][28] = "Happy Birthday, Sawyer"; messages[01][29] = "Happy Birthday, Michael"; messages[02][05] = "Happy Anniversary, Laura & Doug"; messages[02][10] = "Happy Birthday, Alicia"+spacer+"Happy Birthday, Jennifer"; messages[02][11] = "Happy Birthday, Hannah"; messages[02][12] = "Happy Birthday, Rebecca"; messages[02][13] = "Happy Birthday to my sister"+spacer+"Happy Birthday, Jonathan"; messages[02][14] = "Happy AA Birthday, Phickle"; messages[02][18] = "Happy Anniversary, Patty & Washington"; messages[02][21] = "Happy Birthday, Jerry"; messages[02][23] = "Happy Birthday, Regan"; messages[02][26] = "Happy Anniversary, Sandra & Steve"; messages[02][28] = "Happy Birthday, Jesse"; messages[03][04] = "Happy Birthday, Diane"; messages[03][06] = "Happy Birthday, Mom"; messages[03][14] = "Happy Birthday, Brent"; messages[03][16] = "Happy Birthday, Juliana"; messages[03][20] = "Happy Birthday, Kelly"; messages[03][28] = "Happy Birthday, Joseph"; messages[03][30] = "Happy Birthday, Tim"; messages[04][01] = "Happy Birthday, Chris"; messages[04][05] = "Happy Birthday, Liz"; messages[04][09] = "Happy Birthday, Marc"; messages[04][10] = "Happy Birthday, Phickle"; messages[04][15] = "Happy Anniversary, Kara & Scott"; messages[04][16] = "Happy Birthday, Rene"; messages[04][17] = "Happy Birthday, Sadie"; messages[04][19] = "Happy Birthday to my brother"; messages[04][20] = "Happy Anniversary, Neloa & Dan"; messages[04][27] = "Happy Birthday, Tatiana"; messages[04][30] = "Happy Anniversary, AJ & UR"; messages[05][01] = "Happy Birthday, Lisa"+spacer+"Happy Birthday, Rowan"; messages[05][02] = "Happy Birthday, Ken"; messages[05][03] = "Happy Birthday, Ashley"; messages[05][04] = "Happy Birthday, Skittles"; messages[05][07] = "Happy Birthday, Isaac"; messages[05][11] = "Happy Birthday, Olivia"; messages[05][12] = "Happy Birthday, Shirley"; messages[05][18] = "Happy Birthday, Kara"+spacer+"Happy Birthday, Cernan"; messages[05][21] = "Happy Birthday, Dave"+spacer+"Happy Birthday, Melinda"+spacer+"Happy Anniversary, Christine & Jerry"; messages[05][24] = "Happy Birthday, Nicholas"; messages[05][25] = "Happy Birthday, Elyssa"+spacer+"Happy Anniversary, Christine & Jon"; messages[05][29] = "Happy Birthday, Esther"; messages[05][30] = "Happy Birthday, Nicholas"; messages[06][01] = "Happy Birthday, Kathy"+spacer+"Happy Birthday, Mark"; messages[06][02] = "Happy Birthday, Bill"+spacer+"Happy Birthday, Daniel"; messages[06][04] = "Happy Birthday, Sean"; messages[06][06] = "Happy Birthday, Matt"; messages[06][07] = "Happy Birthday, Nicolaus"; messages[06][10] = "Happy Birthday, Cathy"; messages[06][13] = "Happy Birthday, Sara"; messages[06][18] = "Happy Anniversary, Andrea & Chris"; messages[06][22] = "Happy Anniversary, Lynn & Jim"; messages[06][24] = "Happy Birthday, AJ"; messages[06][25] = "Happy Birthday, Sarah"; messages[06][26] = "Happy Birthday, Neloa"; messages[06][27] = "Happy Birthday, AC"; messages[06][28] = "Happy Birthday, Mr Moo"; messages[07][03] = "Happy Birthday, Dad"; messages[07][04] = "Happy Birthday, Annie"; messages[07][09] = "Happy Birthday, Patty"+spacer+"Happy Birthday, Amber"; messages[07][10] = "Happy Birthday, Lorraine"+spacer+"Happy Anniversary, Jennifer & Jesse"; messages[07][13] = "Happy Birthday, Danielle"; messages[07][16] = "Happy Birthday, Chris"; messages[07][17] = "Happy Birthday, Jenny"+spacer+"Happy Birthday, Jaline"; messages[07][27] = "Happy Anniversary, Inge & Paul"; messages[07][28] = "Happy Birthday, Jason"; messages[07][29] = "Happy Birthday, Paul"+spacer+"Happy Birthday, Katelyn"; messages[07][30] = "Happy Birthday, Helen"; messages[07][31] = "Happy Birthday, Jim"; messages[08][03] = "Happy Birthday, Dean"; messages[08][07] = "Happy Birthday, Andrea"; messages[08][10] = "Happy Birthday, Rob"; messages[08][14] = "Happy Birthday, Cindy"; messages[08][15] = "Happy Anniversary, Niki & Brian"; messages[08][16] = "Happy Anniversary, Tam & Khoa"; messages[08][17] = "Happy Birthday, Dan"+spacer+"Happy Birthday, Andrew"; messages[08][18] = "Happy Birthday, Elizabeth"; messages[08][20] = "Happy Anniversary, Carmen & Peter"; messages[08][22] = "Happy Birthday, Laura"; messages[08][24] = "Happy Birthday, Kelly"+spacer+"Happy Birthday, Ann"; messages[08][26] = "Happy Anniversary, Mr Moo! I love you! :-)"; messages[08][27] = "Happy Anniversary, Anne & Dave"; messages[08][28] = "Happy Anniversary, Cathy & Jason"; messages[08][29] = "Happy Anniversary, Sara & Chris"; messages[08][30] = "Happy Birthday, Ken"; messages[09][03] = "Happy Birthday, Sue"; messages[09][04] = "Happy Birthday, Kevin"; messages[09][06] = "Happy Birthday, Macy"; messages[09][08] = "Happy Birthday, Andrew"; messages[09][09] = "Happy Anniversary to my sister and BIL!"+spacer+"Happy Birthday, Rob"; messages[09][14] = "Happy Birthday, Maureen"; messages[09][17] = "Happy Anniversary, G & Mrs G"+spacer+"Happy Birthday, Lucy"; messages[09][19] = "Happy Anniversary, Diane & Carl"; messages[09][20] = "Happy Anniversary, Helen & Ken"; messages[09][23] = "Happy Anniversary, Cindy & Matt"+spacer+"Happy Birthday, George"; messages[09][24] = "Happy Birthday, Steven"; messages[09][27] = "Happy Birthday, Ziyal"; messages[10][02] = "Happy Anniversary, Tatiana & David"+spacer+"Happy Birthday, Alex"+spacer+"Happy Birthday, Jan"; messages[10][04] = "Happy Birthday, Maddy"; messages[10][05] = "Happy Birthday, Christine"; messages[10][06] = "Happy Anniversary, Justine & Paul"; messages[10][07] = "Happy Birthday, Jennifer"; messages[10][08] = "Happy Birthday, Grant"; messages[10][09] = "Happy Birthday, Paul"+spacer+"Happy Anniversary, Marsha & Mark"; messages[10][12] = "Happy Anniversary, Danielle & Jeff"; messages[10][13] = "Happy Birthday, Carmen"; messages[10][15] = "Happy Birthday, Kayla"; messages[10][19] = "Happy Birthday, Jennifer"; messages[10][22] = "Happy Birthday, David"; messages[10][25] = "Happy Birthday, Raymonde"; messages[10][26] = "Happy Birthday, Gerald"; messages[10][29] = "Happy Birthday, Sarah"; messages[10][31] = "Happy Birthday, Oscar"; messages[11][01] = "Happy Anniversary, Kris & Brian"+spacer+"Happy Birthday, Buzz"+spacer+"Happy Birthday, David"; messages[11][04] = "Happy Anniversary, Jennifer & Matt"; messages[11][05] = "Happy Anniversary, Liz & Mark"; messages[11][08] = "Happy Anniversary, Mom & Dad"; messages[11][15] = "Happy Birthday, Robyn"; messages[11][18] = "Happy Birthday, Sandra"; messages[11][24] = "Happy Birthday, Doug"; messages[11][28] = "Happy Birthday, Jim"; messages[11][30] = "Happy Birthday, Steve"; messages[12][04] = "Happy Birthday, Anne"+spacer+"Happy Birthday, John"; messages[12][05] = "Happy Anniversary, April & Kevin"; messages[12][07] = "Happy Birthday, Lucy"+spacer+"Happy Birthday, Chris"; messages[12][11] = "Happy Birthday, Gordo"; messages[12][12] = "Happy Birthday, Kevin"+spacer+"Happy Birthday, Owen"+spacer+"Happy Birthday, Jeff"; messages[12][16] = "Happy Birthday, Josh"; messages[12][19] = "Happy Anniversary, Amber & Geoff"; messages[12][20] = "Happy Birthday, Melissa"; messages[12][24] = "Happy Birthday, Niki"; messages[12][25] = "Happy Birthday, John"; messages[12][26] = "Happy Birthday, Jovian"; var holidays = new Array(12) for (i=1; i<=12; i++) holidays[i] = new Array(31) holidays[01][01] = "Happy New Year!"; holidays[01][16] = "Martin Luther King Jr Day"; holidays[02][02] = "Groundhog Day"; holidays[02][14] = "Happy Valentine's Day!"; holidays[02][20] = "Presidents' Day"; holidays[02][22] = "Ash Wednesday"; holidays[03][11] = "Daylight Savings begins"; holidays[03][17] = "Happy St Patrick's Day!"; holidays[03][20] = "First Day of Spring"; holidays[04][01] = "April Fools Day"; holidays[04][01] = "Palm Sunday"; holidays[04][06] = "Good Friday"; holidays[04][08] = "Easter Sunday"; holidays[04][22] = "Earth Day"; holidays[05][13] = "Happy Mother's Day!"; holidays[05][28] = "Memorial Day"; holidays[06][14] = "Flag Day"; holidays[06][17] = "Happy Father's Day!"; holidays[06][20] = "First Day of Summer"; holidays[07][04] = "Independence Day"; holidays[09][03] = "Labor Day"; holidays[09][11] = "Patriot Day"; holidays[09][22] = "First Day of Autumn"; holidays[10][08] = "Columbus Day"; holidays[10][08] = "Happy Thanksgiving, Canada!"; holidays[10][31] = "Happy Halloween!"; holidays[11][04] = "Daylight Savings ends"; holidays[11][06] = "Election Day"; holidays[11][11] = "Veterans Day"; holidays[11][22] = "Happy Thanksgiving!"; holidays[12][07] = "Pearl Harbor Rememberance Day"; holidays[12][21] = "First Day of Winter"; holidays[12][25] = "Merry Christmas!"; var others = new Array(12) for (i=1; i<=12; i++) others[i] = new Array(31) others[01][12] = "Happy Birthday, Alyssa"; // ********************** // *** Display Date *** // ********************** function DisplayDate(ww,mm,dd,yy) { document.write("" + days[ww] + "
" + months[mm] + " " + dd + ", " + yy + ""); } // ************************** // *** Display Messages *** // ************************** function DisplayMessages(x_day,x_month,x_date,x_year) { if (messages[x_month][x_date] == null) {y = 0;} else {y = messages[x_month][x_date].length;} if (holidays[x_month][x_date] == null) {z = 0;} else {z = holidays[x_month][x_date].length;} if (others[x_month][x_date] == null) {q = 0;} else {q = others[x_month][x_date].length;} DisplayDate(x_day,x_month,x_date,x_year); if (y==0) { if (z==0) { if (q==0) { // do nothing } else { document.write(spacer); document.write(others[x_month][x_date]); } } else { if (q==0) { document.write(spacer); document.write(holidays[x_month][x_date]); } else { document.write(spacer); document.write(holidays[x_month][x_date] + spacer + others[x_month][x_date]); } } } else { if (z==0) { if (q==0) { document.write(spacer); document.write(messages[x_month][x_date]); } else { document.write(spacer); document.write(messages[x_month][x_date] + spacer + others[x_month][x_date]); } } else { if (q==0) { document.write(spacer); document.write(holidays[x_month][x_date] + spacer + messages[x_month][x_date]); } else { document.write(spacer); document.write(holidays[x_month][x_date] + spacer + messages[x_month][x_date] + spacer + others[x_month][x_date]); } } } } // ****************************** // *** Display All Messages *** // ****************************** function DisplayAllMessages() { DisplayMessages(today_day,today_month,today_date,today_year); document.write(spacer); }